Louise Sutherland-Hoyt

About Louise Sutherland-Hoyt

Louise Sutherland-Hoyt is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who brings more than 22 years’ experience in the field of trauma to her work at LEAD with Horses. So many of the kids and families we work with have suffered such great losses in their lives and yet, we live in a culture that often overlooks our need to grieve these losses. When we are in the presence of horses with our suffering, however, the healing journey of the wounded soul begins. The horses seem to just stand by our side with strength and beauty and abide without judgment with our soul. Louise has been trained in the practice of Equine Assisted Psychotherapy, is EAGALA certified, and is passionate about the magic that unfolds in the presence of the equine and human soul. She is an award-winning educator and earned her Master’s degree and subsequent Certificate of Advanced Graduate Studies at Cambridge College, Massachusetts. Louise retired from the state of Nevada Division of Child and Family Services in 2013, is a Veteran of the United States Army, Vietnam War Era, and provides workshops in healing trauma and tending to wounds of the soul.

The Art of Forgiving

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Why Forgiveness?

Several postings ago I talked about acts of kindness: interpersonal kindness and the kindness we show ourselves.  I noted research on kindness and how, when it’s used often and with purpose, we feel better about ourselves and the world around us. Compassion is born out of kindness. Sooner or later, it becomes a habit when we practice compassion - being consciously aware that we are being kind, with no condition or agenda. Such thinking and doing are actually wired into our minds, and we become compassionate without thinking about it.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is not so easy to master because there is so much self-examination involved. There is a great deal of fear in thoroughly forgiving because it means that we are often guilted or shamed by our offenders for taking care of ourselves! But the research into forgiveness demonstrates again and again the benefits that Profile of a horse. Mountains and clouds in the background.arise out of forgiving:

  • Lower Blood Pressure & Heart Rate.
  • Less Anxiety & Stress.
  • Stronger Immune System.
  • Less Depression.
  • Reduced Anger and Hostility.
  • Healthier Relationships.
  • Greater Self-Confidence.
  • Lower Risk of Alcohol & Substance Abuse.

When we do not forgive, we leave ourselves open to the pain of anger, hate, hurt, resentment, and bitterness. The consequence of holding these can create health issues, harm relationships, and stop us from experiencing the liberation that truly forgiving brings up and out into the open.

For the sake of our discussion, I am going to talk about 2 different kinds of forgiveness:

  1. Pseudo Forgiveness.
  2. Genuine Forgiveness.

First, Pseudo Forgiveness

Pseudo Forgiveness, while given with the best of intentions, actually originates from the head. This is the kind of forgiveness that many of us have learned in our families of origin and hinges on the idea that if someone says they’re sorry, that ought to be enough to warrant forgiveness. It stands on pseudo logic and the belief that if we, the offended, just put enough mental effort into it, we can talk ourselves out of the hurt and sense of woundedness. And so, we say I forgive you.  Again, and again, and again. We deny that we are hurt and minimize the harm done to us. We tell ourselves that we are just very forgiving, stay open to exploitation by others, continue to accrue pain, and wonder why things don’t get better. There is little healing in Pseudo Forgiveness. Such acute or chronic pain can’t be nullified through rumination nor will it go away by talking about it. In the end, we wind up being enablers of bad behavior because we lack the strength to hold our perpetrators accountable, and we make excuses for them. Meanwhile our capacity for self-compassion and empathy is eroded.

Genuine Forgiveness

To forgive does not mean condoning or excusing offenses.

Genuine Forgiveness, on the other hand, originates from our soul, implying the depth of work needed to be done in order to reconcile ourselves with the pain of wounds sustained from others. Or things. Or events. Forgiveness is defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

When we genuinely forgive, we don’t gloss over the truth of the offense, the depth of the wound, or our part in the offense. This means taking a brave stance and in a non-judgmental way, looking carefully at all the moving parts inside of us. Forgive and forget are not a part of this equation. Forgiving is a decision; forgetting (I prefer the word tempering) is an inner process. To forgive does not mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, we are in no way obligated to reconcile with the person who harmed us, or to release them from legal accountability.

Unlike horses, who are able to confront one another’s offenses directly and then shake it off, humans need courage to enter the dark cave of forgiveness. A LOT of courage. And the willingness to sit with some very powerful and painful emotions such as shame, guilt, and immense grief.

In our programs for children and families, our Healing Herd provides a wellspring of tolerance, patience, and presence in abiding with such heavy business as forgiving and sharing the load.  Deciding to forgive is only the first step. Our horses are ready to join up in partnership when the work begins.

Grief Takes Many Forms

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This week we will address grief and loss not due to a death,. We can enhance our own emotional surroundings by being open and even curious about how to abide with losses that we know of, and losses we might not even be aware of, because we ignored them. We will take a glimpse at grief, including the seemingly inconsequential losses that build up. and the consequences of not mourning. We will look at how our own Healing Herd stands present with those who are carrying powerful feelings of loss by simply holding a sacred, non-judgmental space in which a child can grieve well.

How Children and Teenagers Grieve

We all grieve. It is one of the truths about being human. The sad reality among so many of us is that we often don’t even consider grieving a loss if it wasn’t due to a death in the family or community. Until recently, even the death of a pet or another animal was not considered to be a loss that we ought to mourn and grieve. Many of us were warned by our parents,“don’t get too attached” so as not to hurt so deeply from the loss of something. As parents, we often trivialize our children’s losses as not significant enough to bother with grief or mourning. When kids act out their feelings over losing something important to them, such as parents getting divorced, a friend moving away, or loss of a prized possession, we assume that their behavior is due to “a stage”, “not getting their way”, or just plain old “disrespect”.  

My grandson has been unusually aggressive, needy, and clingy over the past year and even got suspended recently from kindergarten for fighting another child. As our family looked back to what was going on roughly a year ago it dawned on all of us that this was about the time of his parents’ divorce and his father’s move to another state. He is learning to tend to his grief as best as a 5-year-old can and we have all reminded ourselves and one another to be open to hearing what he has to say about it.  

Whether psychological, symbolic, or abstract in nature, a loss of identity, autonomy, trust in the world, dreams or hopes for the future, and a loss of personal meaning are intangible losses. The invisible nature of these losses makes these types of experiences difficult to express.  Claudia Elsig, MD

How to Be Supportive

To be fair, how many of us can actually say we were given instructions on how to grieve our losses and how to tend to emotional pain?  Were we ever given a hint as to how to recognize a grieving child if we saw one, or if the child was our own?  Did we ever stop to think about the losses associated with the Covid pandemic, and the effects of the drastic measures of lock-down upon, not only our kids, but us adults, too! So much of how we abide with our pain, when and if we allow ourselves to feel it, is left to guesswork or based on what we observed growing up and watching our parents grieve their losses. But loss creates pain and because humans avoid pain as much as possible, it gets exiled. We hide it, cover it, numb it.

Why do we do that?  Much of that has to do with our nonconscious fear of emotional pain. Pain is messy. We think that if we have pain, we are doing something wrong. We do not feel safe in sharing our pain with another because we do not want to risk being open and vulnerable only to hear from our listener that we have nothing to be sad about. But there are dire consequences to our overall well being when we stow away feelings of loss and grief. In children, teens, and young adults, look for the following: 

Signs of depression and/or anxiety.Dangerous risk taking.
Drop in grades.Self-destructive behaviors.
Threatening to hurt self or others.Violent play.
Use of drugs or alcohol.Total withdrawal from people and environment.
A dramatic change in personality or functioning over a long period of time.Any of the “normal” behaviors happening over a very long time or to an extreme.

We can provide support by first acknowledging and validating a child’s experience and encouraging open communication. It can be useful to have a ritual to process the loss. And of course, get help if it feels overwhelming. We don’t have to do this alone. 

At LEAD with Horses, a goal is to facilitate our clients’ ability to abide with the pain of loss while at the same time building a sense of peace about it. Grief and Pain sitting side by side in the presence of horses. The horses and donkeys are highly sensitive to our emotions and react to our body language and non-verbal cues. Interactions with these gentle and intuitive creatures are well-known as helpers rebuilding trust, overcoming fear of emotional pain, and in processing difficult emotions, like grief, in a non-verbal way.

We provide our grieving kiddos and their families with the space to observe and interact with our Healing Herd in an environment that is filled with love, empathy, healing, and compassion. 

Resources

Bereavement During Childhood and Adolescence https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK217849/

Horses helping heal anxiety, grief, depression like no other animal. https://youtu.be/ThUFtndFEOI

Discovering true self. https://youtu.be/fKt3wi1bzDc

In the Presence of Horses

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What do horses, our surroundings, our bodies and senses, and a 2,500-year-old practice all have in common?  What can we learn from them collectively if we are seeking to experience joy, happiness, wellness, and in between, be eager to seek more?

Here’s a helpful hint. Research into the treatment of depression, anxiety, and the effects of childhood trauma is showing that – despite the medications, treatment modalities, protocols, and theories – it is the ancient practice of mindful meditation, breathwork, and full awareness of our body’s response to our surroundings that could actually achieve greater healing and relief from these maladies of the mind and body. There is plenty of research into how horses connect and communicate through their breath. Horses will breathe slower and deeper to regulate either their own anxiety or that of another herd member.

In observing our clients and healing herd at LEAD with Horses, we have seen that humans can also be calmed by simply paying attention to a horse’s breathing pattern and then matching it with their own breath. Because horses are fully self-aware and finely attuned with their surroundings, our clients tend to follow suit. We see its efficacy in helping our kiddos regulate their own anxiety or unhealthy responses when they are activated, even though memory of experience is retained at a non-conscious level. What’s really amazing in all this is that both horses and humans already have the tools necessary to be fully present and connected in the moment and, therefore, the ability to heal.

So, when we talk about being body-aware and mindful of the present and our surroundings, what we are saying is that we are purposefully connecting to what’s going on in our non-conscious mind and raising it into our conscious mind. And this is where being “in the presence of horses” is supportive because shedding light on what’s been kept hidden in the dark for so long is a frightening prospect.

Horses, for the sake of their own survival, are naturally and fully mindful of and present with their surroundings and themselves. Mithros, the wise elder of our herd, would likely have this to say:

We horses have an amazing ability to be fully present in our 4 footed bodies, in our environment, as well as in the moment. This is absolutely necessary because we would be easy pickings for predators if we weren’t. When a threat shows up you humans get all wound up and you obsess over it. But horses? Yeah, we get scared, BUT! We have the ability to take stock of the situation and return to the present once we see there’s no real danger. You humans can learn a lot about being present just by watching us and by practicing a few, simple exercises to center yourself on your own 2 feet.

Ashley Belt, who is our Equine Specialist, explains, “Horses use their breath to relieve stress and ground themselves. If you’ve ever heard a horse blow out or sneeze there’s a good chance that they are grounding themselves. In our program we have a variety of deep breathing exercises that clients can use. One of which is a horse breath where a client relaxes their lips, takes a deep breath in then exhales through the mouth making a raspberry noise just like horses. Other options include several different shapes where clients are encouraged to draw the shapes on the horse to engage all the senses. You can watch the physical changes in the horse when this happens: their head lowers, the eyes soften and sometimes close, a back foot will rest on the ground.”

At LEAD with Horses, we provide our kids well-researched tasks that involve breathing, listening, sensing, relaxing, and paying attention to their bodies to help in understanding the connection between their own breathing, thoughts, and emotions, and how they abide with their families, at school, and in their community.

In all the work I have had the honor to conduct with youth in my career I have never before experienced moments of beauty in silent connectedness, breath by breath, sense upon sense, between a teenager and the horse that held space in the midst of loving kindness. LSH

We invite you to contact us and share a chat with our staff and volunteers. We are passionate about our work and tending to our Healing Herd. In our tending, we are, indeed, attended to.

 

Box Breathing

Here’s a great breathing exercise for you to try on your own. It’s called Box Breathing and it has been adopted by the Navy SEALS for use when they recognize their own need to ground themselves and be mindfully aware of their environment.

Take a deep, full breath. Exhale slowly, fully and completely. Inhale again and count from 1 to 4 (or for as long as feels comfortable). Pause for 4 seconds. Exhale slowly while counting from 1 to 4 (or for as long as feels comfortable). Pause for 4 seconds. Repeat the exercise three or four times. It helps to place both your hands on your sternum, pressing slightly in and downward while practicing this technique.

For more information:

Meditate in the presence of horses. https://fullcirclewellness.uk/Meditate_with_Horses.html

What Horses can Teach us About Breathing Mindfully https://equineguidedgrowth.com/2018/12/01/what-horses-can-teach-us-about-breathing-mindfully/

The Body Keeps the Score https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

Surround Yourself in Kindness

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There have been many studies on what causes humans to feel bad and why it is that people go to see mental health professionals. We have a mountain of research about depression, anxiety, trauma, addictions and too many other mental health “disorders” to count. And because of this, we also have hundreds of drug remedies that have been developed, manufactured, and prescribed for what ails us, making it oh so simple to medicate ourselves to mental health. It’s only been in the past 10 years or so, however, that research has focused upon the things that we do for the good of others (which ultimately comes back to ourselves) in our communities and how those acts benefit our sense of well-being. LEAD with Horses understands that medications have their place in the treatment of many Mental Health disorders and takes the position that the decision whether or not to take medications as prescribed is made between you and your doctor.

Having said this, we would like to share a few things that we know about some holistic ways to achieve a greater sense of wholeness and well-being. First up: Kindness. Did you know that simple gestures of kindness, whether random or on purpose, has a positive relationship with overall well-being and better health? Have you ever picked up the tab in a restaurant for a veteran or someone in the military? Have you ever paid someone you did not know a compliment? Hold the door for the person behind you? Volunteer for your favorite charity? How do these acts of kindness affect your sense about yourself as a person?

Research continues to demonstrate that acts of Kindness have been shown to increase self- esteem, empathy, and compassion, and to improve mood. Habitual acts of Kindness can decrease blood pressure and stress hormones, the ones that directly impact stress levels. People who give of themselves in a balanced way also tend to be healthier and live longer. Kindness can increase your sense of connectedness with others, which can directly minimize loneliness, improve mood, and enhance relationships in general. It also can be contagious! Looking for ways to show kindness can give you a focus activity, especially if you tend to be anxious or stressed in some social situations.

Every day as we observe our Healing Herd, we notice the subtle and not so subtle ways the horses show kindness to one another, by instinct, and without an agenda or desire for a return on their good will.

At the LEAD with Horses after school program, the children learn about being kind in their classes and they apply what they have learned outdoors among the horses. This is such a perfect set-up because horses are unique in their ability to hold space in kindness and to reflect their responses. Sometimes they will blow out when kids show their kindness, or they will walk right up to a kid and follow around without being coaxed by a treat. A study conducted in 2010 showed that horses remembered how an individual human behaved towards them based on just one interaction, even as long as eight months later, and behaved better with handlers who used positive handling techniques, such as stroking or speaking in a soft voice.

We invite you to pay us a visit to see our set-up and meet our Healing Herd and learn how you and your family can benefit from learning through horses.

For more information about kindness and mental health, a few links to help.

How Horses Show Kindness
https://www.thebrooke.org/about-us/horses-and-affection

Across the Pond
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness#:~:text=In%202020%2C%20we%20found%20that,impact%20on%20their%20mental%20health

From the American Psychological Association
https://www.apa.org/news/apa/kindness-mental-health

From the Mayo Clinic
https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/the-art-of-kindness

Introduction to Mental Health Month

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The month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and we at LEAD with Horses are encouraging our staff, volunteers, and the children and families we serve to look closely around and look deep within. From your home, yard, and neighborhood to genetics, many factors come into play when it comes to emerging mental health conditions. We and our Healing Herd encourage everyone to consider how the world around us affects our mental health and overall well-being.

This month we will be exploring how environment affects our state of well-being for both horses AND humans. We will look at how simple changes to our surroundings can make a world of difference in levels of stress, anxiety, or depression. And, of course, we are all more than eager to provide you with what you need to know about how working with our Healing Herd can improve the overall sense of well-being in relationships among family members and with peers and/or co-workers.

At LEAD with Horses, the environment we provide for our herd fosters a healthy and clean-living environment where the horses can be outdoors with lots of room to romp around and play as well as shelter from harsh weather.

As we post information about Mental Health, Horses, and our surroundings, we hope you will be surprised and amazed at how similar the little things are that benefit both horses and humans! You will appreciate knowing how horses also experience mental health conditions of their own and learning that they’re not so different from humans.