The Silent Language of Holding Space
During this past month we have posted valuable information about Mental Health Awareness as part of the LEAD with Horses’ mission to improve the social, emotional, and behavioral development of children of Western Nevada through quality therapeutic and educational equine programs.
We have addressed grief and the benefits to our health of practicing kindness as well as forgiveness. We know the importance of breathwork, especially in the presence of horses, and its role in helping us to ground ourselves when we detect the presence of a trauma state. In this week’s blog I am going to talk about Holding Space.
Holding Space
Holding Space is a term that originated from clinical research on the effects of complex trauma and what we can all learn to help one another in emotional distress. We must be present and abide with others’ BEing, in the moment. The acts of BEing present and Holding Space can be difficult to learn, but with practice you can compassionately abide with another’s pain by simply sitting close by, self-aware, in silence. While it takes us humans a lot of practice and self-awareness to acquire the skill of Holding Space, the horses in our healing herd are masters of this phenomenon.
What does it mean to Hold Space?
- Holding Space means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they abide with their internal upheaval.
- The Tao of Holding Space: An act that is at once totally present and totally invisible.
- At the heart of Holding Space is a willingness to sit with ambiguity, loss, struggle, darkness, uncertainty, joy, anger, fear, anticipation — all other complexities of what it means to be human.
- It’s about having the courage to peer into shadows, while not getting in the way of the light.
- It’s about resisting the urge to contextualize the pain of another as something that you need to fix or
For horses, these qualities are embedded into their instincts. While this is true for many different types of animals, research recognizes horses as exceptional and possessing the qualities necessary to bear witness to our stories, pain, and suffering, and our ability to tap into our own resources for walking through trauma, grief, or loss.
When trauma-driven emotions arise during an equine assisted psychotherapy session, we observe that our horses may surround that person; their bodies grounded, heads low, ears relaxed, and breathing slowed. Often one or more of the horses will make a blowing sound through their noses, or shift their weight off of one of their hind legs, yet more clues that this is a powerful joining and holding space moment. This is a reckoning that creates a circle of centeredness for our clients in which there is balance, strength, courage, compassion, and confidence. One of our LEAD with Horses staff affirms that when our healing herd and human are abiding with one another, she herself, approaches a meditative state and gets a sense of quiet joy. She smiles, as she silently witnesses this quiet dialog. There is a felt sense of vicarious soothing and comfort in being present with such tenderness.
People, on the other hand, tend to respond to another’s distress in ways that are neither comforting nor validating of the other’s story. We don’t like to be around others’ pain and suffering, and we tend to guess at what our role is in effectively holding space for them. We put our own story out there assuming it will help the other gain some perspective. Or we start giving advice, suggestions, or anecdotes about what we did in a similar situation. Often, we will say, “If there’s anything I can do for you just let me know.” This is NOT holding space. We are, in fact, nullifying the other’s experience and minimizing the weight of its impact.
To Hold Space not only for another, but also for yourself, means that you are attuned to the other, plain and simple. It means that you have developed the emotional strength to listen in silence to the story unfolding before you. It means that even though you disagree with the other person’s logic or dislike what they are doing to themselves, you sit and abide in silence. Understanding is not a requirement. Acceptance is. It means sitting and being still with your own discomfort in hearing another’s story so that you can hold space for, and abide with, yourself. It means to invest all your energy into listening to the story without judgment, opinion, advice, or discounting what you have just heard. Present and silent. As it is with horses.
Resources
There are many resources available for parents, educators, and others in our communities who wish to learn and apply the very powerful gesture of Holding Space with another.
Zen H. Coaching. https://zenhcoaching.com/blog/f/holding-space
The Tao of Holding Space. https://b-m-institute.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Tao_of_holding_space.pdf
What "Holding Space" For Others Really Means + How To Do It https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/holding-space